Taking Things Literally
by Yuniz
Summary: A little literal fun in the town of South Park...lots of XXX content. Oneshot.


Once upon a time, there lived an asshole named Cartman, a dick named Craig, a pussy named Stan, a Jew named Kyle, and a sexy hobo named Kenny. They made their home in the small pissant redneck mountain town of South Park, Colorado, and all was well in the world.

That is, until Kyle looked into his pants one day and found Stan there.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH~!" He screamed, running to his bed and pulling the blankets over the lower half of his body. "Dude, what the fuck is this shit?"

"Somehow, from unknown causes, you were transformed into a girl overnight," explained Stan. "You can't jack off anymore, but hey, it's all good, we're even closer friends that before,"

Kyle supressed the urge to scream. "But I don't want to be like this!" His eyes got wide as he realized that his voice belonged in a treble choir.

"Like I said, unknown causes,"

The Jew scowled with the power of a million pissed off Jews. His full lips made quite a statement on his face, and Stan had to try his best to not drool.

"Jesus Christ, you're no help," Kyle pulled on some clothing, effectively smothering Stan, and he went out on the town.

"Where're you going?" Stan managed to say.

"Tom's Rhinoplasty, I don't want you around any longer,"

Immediately, Stan's feelings were crushed like a china teacup under a massive ten-assed mutant gorilla. He began to feel pain and despair inside of him. "Please Kyle, don't force me to leave,"

"Stan, don't put on the emo act, it won't work,"

Stan pouted. "You know you love me..."

"You're an asshole,"

"No, I'm a pussy," Before Kyle knew what was happening, he felt a strange sensation in his pants. It was all tingly like a foot when it goes to sleep.

"Dude, what are you doing?"

"Now you won't ever want to get rid of me," There was a cutting edge to Stan's words. "Just reach down here and touch me, sexy stuff,"

Kyle did so, and upon his doing so, he began to do himself like nothing ever done before.

"Oh~OH!"

* * *

Kenny swaggered down the street, flaunting his sexy hobo self. He blew a kiss to a nearby group of girls, and they giggled.

"This is awesome," He said to himself, checking out his sexy hobo sex - oh, I mean six - pack. Because he was a sexy hobo, he was going shirtless, only wearing his boxers, orange pants, and orange hoodie. Naturally, the hoodie was unzipped, so that his six-pack could be seen, and his hood was down, so that his blond hair could wave about sexily in the breeze.

"Ay, what're you doing up there, asshole!"

"Don't forget, you're the asshole here," Kenny winked at Cartman, who simply grunted, though it came out sounding like a fart.

"I'm getting hard," said Craig out of the blue.  
"Why is that?"

"There, across the street, I think Kyle's getting some,"

"With himself?" Kenny looked over, and lo and behold, it really was Kyle. The Jew had his eyes closed tight in ecstasy and had his hand very near to his crotch...it was possible that the two body parts were touching. The sexy hobo began to feel a strange sensation in his pants, and immediately, he knew what he had to do.

"Hey, Kyle!" He yelled, and the Jew looked up. His face turned red in shame, and he quickly pulled up his pants, then tried to make a run for it. However, Kenny was faster, and soon enough, the two teenagers were matching the same pace.

"Kenny, what do you want?" Kyle sounded slightly irritated, yet he was still blushing.

The sexy hobo looked down at himself, at Craig and Cartman, then back at Kyle. "Your voice is really high,"

The Jew groaned. "Don't remind me,"

"I'll remind you all I want," laughed Kenny. Suddenly, he realized that Craig was getting really, really, hard. He was a boner of epic proportions, and being a boner of epic proportions, he must be taken care of in a most epic manner. Cartman was no less demanding, for he was practically screaming at Kenny for a nice double cheeseburger to eat, and if he didn't get it, why, then the sexy hobo would be fucked, and we don't want that do we, etc. etc. etc.

Anyways, Kenny needed attention from a certain Jew beside him, and he needed it NOW, as in immediately, right away, ahora, etc.

...Etc.

...Etc.

"Kyle," said the sexy hobo, "Let's fuck,"

"But I don't know how," lied Kyle innocently in an attempt to delay his imminent molestation.

"You did fine with Stan, and I'm no different from him,"

The Jew blushed so fiercely that his cheeks looked like ripe tomatoes. "But - um - ah - well -"

"Shut up and have sex with me," Kenny dragged Kyle off into an alley and they had teh buttseck. They both enjoyed it immensely, as did Stan, Craig, and Cartman.

* * *

Through all this chaos and confusion, there was a little douche named Butters who had been forgotten. He was a sad little douche who just wanted a little attention. However, no one gave him attention, and that lack of attention made him a very sad little douche. Of course, no one likes sad douches, and so they gave him not a scrap of attention. It was a deadly circle, one that would probably go on and on if nothing out of the ordinary happened.

But today, as Butters headed down the street, he heard some moaning sounds that were very much out of the ordinary.

"Oh hamburgers, someone might be in trouble!" Butters ran to the alley, and the moaning sounds got louder. He looked in and gasped. "Kenny, Kyle, what the heck are you doing?"

Kenny looked up in shock. "Butters, what are you doing here? You're interrupting a very intimate moment right now, you know,"

The douche fiddled with his hands. "I thought someone might be in trouble here, so I just wanted to see...I guess I'll be going now,"

"Hold it!" Kenny ordered Butters. "Kyle might be in need of you..."

Kyle's eyes got wide. "Kenny, no!"

"Oh, yes," Kenny walked over to Butters and picked him up, then tossed him over to Kyle, who fumbled for it. "Kyle, I think you need a little, shall we say, cleansing,"

"No I don't," said Kyle flatly.

"If you won't do it willingly, then I'm going to force it onto you, you know,"

"Fine then!"

So Kenny forced the douche onto Kyle, who ended up enjoying it quite a lot, though he would never admit it. Stan, on the other hand...

"Dude, that hurts!"

"Take it like a man, Stan," Kenny had a maniacal expression on his face.

Meanwhile, Craig and Cartman were getting bored.

"Want to have sex?" Craig suggested to Cartman.

"Five dorra prease,"

"Dude, I'm a dick, what makes you think I have five dollars on me?"

"...four dorra prease,"

"Screw this!" Craig forced himself onto Cartman, twisting about in ways previously thought impossible. Kenny let out a blissful moan as he realized what his body parts were up to.

"Oh, you dirty thangs~" He sang to himself, still forcing the douche onto Stan.

* * *

Many hours later, the sexual activity had ended. All the boys were still in the alleyway, resting. None of them could believe what epicness had just happened.

Except for Kenny, because sexy hobos can believe any sort of epicness.

"Kyle," he said, "the sex we had was just epic,"

The other nodded in agreement.

"We should have more!"

"Kenny, no."

"Yes!"

"No."

"Yes!"

Kyle sighed and yawned at the same time, which resulted in a strange facial expression. "You know, a sincere loving relationship shouldn't - and can't - be based on sex,"

Kenny pouted. "Sex is good,"

"Only in moderation,"

"Screw moderation,"

"Darling, don't you respect my wishes?"

"...this seems suspicious. You've never called me 'Darling' before,"

"There's a first time for everything,"

"And I bet this was your first time having sex," Kenny stretched, and his arms fell onto Kyle's shoulders. Neither made any effort to move. "Well, was it?"

Kyle didn't answer the question. "I need to finish my homework. See you later, Ken," He got up and walked away, leaving Kenny alone by himself in the alleyway.

"Dude, aren't you going to stop him?" Craig asked.

"Nah," Kenny replied dismissively. "He can go for now...let's just see how he likes some midnight surprise buttsex,"

THE END

* * *

AN: Literal language and sarcasm are two things I love :D But I also love South Park.


End file.
